Understanding the Purpose Behind Your Standards

How do you know if you’re hiding behind standards? Start by asking yourself whether the standards you’ve set actually solve any real problem. For example, if you say, “I want a man who is tall,” then the next question is: what problem does this solve?

When a Standard Seems Logical—But Isn’t

Perhaps you want a tall man because everyone in your family is significantly shorter and you’d like your children to have “a choice in the gene pool.” At first, that sounds like a strong, logical standard. But when you look at it again, you realise it isn’t about the children at all.

Who Truly Benefits From the Standard?

If your children end up taller, what exactly will it do for them? What difference will it make to their life outcomes? Who is going to be happier—your children or you? When you examine it closely, you see that what felt like a solid standard is often a purely personal desire.

Distinguishing Standards From Nice-to-Haves

So, review the standards you set and ask: what does this standard benefit? If you don’t get the supposed benefit, what part of your life becomes messy or ruined? If the answer is “nothing,” then it may not be a true standard or boundary. It might simply be a nice-to-have.

A Nice-to-Have Is Not a Problem

There is nothing wrong with having preferences. But you must be honest with yourself and comfortable enough to say, “This is a nice-to-have.” If your preferences are becoming excessively picky, then it’s time to deal with the deeper issue.

Facing the Real Fear Behind Your Standards

Extraordinarily high standards often point to something you are afraid of. To understand that fear, sit with a therapist and explore what is truly driving you.