Love and the Feeling of Losing Control

How can a man love someone deeply without feeling controlled? Love often feels like losing control, so that question is a little tricky. Whether you are a man or a woman, loving someone can feel like giving up control.

When Losing Control Becomes Dangerous

It becomes worrying when you are in love with a manipulative person. I spoke in a previous video about emotional leadership — the ability to lead emotions in your room — but emotional leadership taken to the extreme becomes manipulation.

Recognising Manipulation

If you are vulnerable and experiencing life with someone who is tactical or strategic with the sole intention of manipulating you to do their will, then you have a serious problem.

When to Put Distance First

The first thing I would say is: get out. Get out, have a conversation later. Get out, think about it later. Get out, forgive them later. Get out first — that is my response.

Why Leaving First Helps

If you are in a relationship with a manipulative person, leaving may give them space and give you time to process. Give yourself a break and process this, because you do not know what else this person might do.

The Damage Manipulation Does

A manipulative person can gaslight you and make you feel like you are going mad. I have sat in sessions with adults who genuinely think they are losing their minds because someone in their life is so manipulative that they cannot even articulate what was said or done.

Control Comes From Fear

The desire to control a partner is fear speaking. You feel the need to control things so your life does not get derailed — and that is understandable, but it points to something deeper.

Discipline and Vetting Before the Relationship

The discipline you need to prevent being derailed is something you should have put in place before the relationship began. You should have chosen your partner more thoroughly and diligently.

Check Direction, Care, Values and Standards

You should have checked that your person is heading in the same direction as you and that they genuinely care about you. You should have had your values and standards vetted from the beginning.

Use Earlier Conversations as Reference

That way, if your partner starts to change course, you can reference previous conversations instead of assuming, filling in gaps, or thinking on their behalf. Do this before you lose your head.