How can I tell my partner about my fear without shame

 Honestly, if your partner has not earned the right for you to tell them something before now, something is fundamentally wrong with this relationship in terms of communication. That's something that needs to be rectified. Number two, your partner should have earned your trust to communicate to them without you feeling like they will shame you. 

Now this can get tricky because sometimes the shame is not coming from your partner, the shame is coming from you. In which case you ask yourself, what is this shame protecting me from? Oh, I don't want to tell them that I'm afraid of sex because I don't want them to think I'm inexperienced. That shame is trying to protect your ego to show that you're more sexually savvy or more sexually explorative than you actually are. 

And so if you decide, if you can identify what the shame is protecting you from, then you now know that, okay, I'm going to damn this consequence. Number four, you want to pay attention to why there is fear in your communicating. The people in your life before now, have you been afraid to speak with them without shame or is that shame and fear coming as a result of your relationship with your present partner? Because if it is coming as a relationship, if it's coming as a consequence of your relationship with your present partner, it means that that conversation will most likely not happen in an environment that is safe enough for you to go past the shame, for you to go past the fear, but most importantly for you to enjoy sex. 

Which then begs the question of have you and your partner ever considered sitting with an expert to communicate better? Because it's not just the sex that is the problem, it is the communication of the fear of sex that is the problem.