How Can I Talk About Not Wanting Sex Without Feeling Guilty?

The first question to ask yourself is: who is making you feel guilty—your partner or you? If your partner is the one making you feel guilty, have you explained why you do not want sex at that moment? Is there a clear reason? Are you tired?

If tiredness is the issue, then ask yourself when you are not tired. You can feel tired on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, and still say to your partner, “It’s not a big deal.” But it is a big deal, because you have sexually starved them for several days in a row.

You need to figure out why you do not want sex and communicate that clearly. But you also need to give substitute feedback—something your partner can hold on to. For example: “I don’t want to right now because…, but I will…”

This might mean saying, “I can’t do this now, but I can do something else now,” or, “I can’t do this tonight, but I can tomorrow morning or tomorrow evening.” Your partner needs something to look forward to. Without that hope, they may mentally switch off. And when they switch off, you might feel upset on the day you suddenly want intimacy and they no longer do, because they have learned to function without expecting you.

So again, who is making you feel guilty—you or your partner? If it is your partner, the real question is whether you have communicated your needs in a way they truly understand.

If you are the one making yourself feel guilty, then ask: why do you feel guilty? Do you believe it makes you a bad person? If so, where did that belief come from? The real issue is not the guilt itself, but the source of the guilt. If we do not address the source, even if you feel better temporarily, you will return to other situations that trigger the same emotion.

If guilt is a recurring emotion for you across different areas of your life, it may help to sit with a therapist and explore why guilt shows up so strongly and so often for you.