How Do I Stop Comparing Myself to the Affair Partner?

Comparisons Aren't Only About Infidelity— it also happens when partners have exes. We often catch ourselves comparing with the person our partner has been with before.

People ask themselves questions like: was your ex more romantic than I am, did they perform better, were they better looking or smarter, or had things I don’t have? These thoughts are common during infidelity recovery.

If you know the other person, you’ll naturally spot areas where they seem to have an advantage, and areas where you’re better. That’s normal, but it doesn’t tell the whole story.

Where the Comparison Comes From

Remember that these comparisons rarely come from truth — they come from insecurity. Your partner did not necessarily cheat because the other person was objectively better; often they were simply available at a vulnerable moment.

Availability matters. The affair partner may have been present when your partner felt emotionally or sexually vulnerable, or during a period of conflict or disconnection in your relationship.

Your value was not lost because your partner made a bad decision. If you hold onto that reminder, you can begin to regain your confidence instead of competing with the person they cheated with.

Choose Conscious Perspective

I understand you are comparing yourself right now, but try to become conscious of the reality: it wasn’t necessarily that person was better, just that they were available at a weak moment. Seeing it this way can help you stop comparing.