How do I set limits without feeling mean?
Boundary guilt -Ask Liza Express Answers
Feeling mean when you set boundaries happens because your nervous system still believes boundaries equal rejection. You were likely conditioned to prioritize others’ comfort over your own. So when you assert yourself, your body interprets it as hurting someone—even when you’re simply protecting your peace.
But boundaries are not punishments. They’re guidelines for healthy connection. You set boundaries so that love can exist without resentment, fear, or emotional exhaustion.
Shifting the guilt starts with reframing boundaries as clarity, not conflict. Instead of thinking, “I’m being selfish,” remind yourself, “I’m being honest.” Instead of thinking, “I’m hurting them,” remind yourself, “I’m taking care of me.” Boundaries are only mean to people who benefit from your lack of them.
Use soft but firm language:
“I’m not comfortable with that.”
“I need more time.”
“That won’t work for me.”
“I need space tonight.”
You don’t need to explain or defend your boundary. A healthy person will adjust, not attack. And over time, your nervous system learns that saying no doesn’t destroy relationships—it preserves the right ones.
Healthy boundaries don’t push people away—they filter out the wrong ones
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