Setting Boundaries That Build Sexual Confidence

The boundaries you set must align with the results you want. If you want to be able to say, for example, that nobody has ever touched you or that you have never kissed anyone, then you would naturally avoid kissing or engaging in physical intimacy. If you want to ensure that no one can describe what your body looks like, you could choose to have sex in a dark room and achieve that. Boundaries are shaped by the outcome you desire, so ask yourself: what will make you feel proud later?

Decide what sexual pride means to you. For some people, pride comes from knowing that when they entered a serious relationship they could show up sexually confident and generous. If that is the pride you want, consider what you are reading and who you are learning from.

Remember: pornography is not sex education. There are many resourceful, healthy sex-education materials available that will actually prepare you for intimate relationships—this blog post is one example.

Practically, ask yourself what you are doing for your body and your mind. How are you preparing to be the person who is not always “not in the mood”? How are you learning about your boundaries and desires?

Define clearly what “proud” looks like for you. Identify the steps that need to happen for that feeling to be possible, then commit to paying the price—whether that price is study, practice, reflection, or firm boundaries. Pride is not accidental; it is the result of deliberate choices.