What if I love my spouse but don't want sex?

Loving Your Spouse but Not Wanting Sex

There are people who simply are not so sex-driven, and sometimes we think that maybe it’s hormonal activity or something else that we may not be able to put our hands on unless we carry out proper assessments.

I often hear people say, “What if I love my spouse but I don’t want sex?” And yes, there are some people who are perfectly fine having sex once a month or even once in two months. I’ve met such people, I’ve worked with such people, and to them it is fine. They truly love their spouse, they want their spouse, but they don’t want sex. This is actually common. You may not hear it often, but if you talk with people in vulnerable situations, they will mention it.

Love and Desire Operate Differently

Love and desire operate on different systems and on different levels. You can feel emotionally safe but not necessarily physically attached. You may feel physically detached because of stress, hormonal imbalances, trauma, or sometimes even because of a loss of connection with yourself.

That’s why I usually say that many times it’s not about your spouse; sometimes it’s about you.

Honesty Without Shame

If you have to deal with a situation where you love your spouse but don’t necessarily want sex, the key to addressing it is honesty—honesty without shame. You want to be truly honest with yourself and truly honest with your partner. Desire can actually be rebuilt since love is already present.

We already know love is present. You love your spouse, and we also know that you are not feeling guilty—and we don’t want you to feel guilty—that you don’t want sex as much as your spouse does.

Assessing What’s Going On

You may want to talk to a therapist or talk to someone who can help assess whether it’s stress, hormonal imbalance, a trauma response, or a loss of connection with yourself. You simply want to identify what it is and build it back.

You can build it back. And again, you may not want sex every other day, but you should be able to have sex regularly. Regularly should also mean often.