What if sex feels forced after betrayal ?

I talk with many people — young people, married people — and most usually say that cheating is a deal breaker. Come on, it is your deal breaker. It is not something they ever, ever want to recover from or forgive.

When You Want to Forgive but Intimacy Feels Difficult

But the question is this: what if you truly want to forgive your partner right now, but sex feels forced? What if every time you want to have sex with your partner, you think about the betrayal? You think about how they may have been responding, or how the other person may have been responding, during the infidelity.

Your Feelings Are Valid

The truth about it is that the feeling is very valid. Infidelity is like a wound. It is one of the biggest wounds people feel in marriage — the biggest betrayal — and the body remembers. Your body remembers.

Rebuilding Intimacy Slowly

So the goal is something simple: ensure that the two of you are not trying to perform or satisfy expectations. Your goal is to see how you can rebuild the intimacy slowly.

Returning to the Meaning of “Lovemaking”

I like the way our fathers used to call it — they would call it lovemaking. You want to be able to pause, to breathe, to build trust and intimacy slowly. Not some form of forced sex that will only deepen the hurt, you understand?

Giving Yourself Permission to Wait

It is okay to give yourself permission to wait until sex feels kind, feels safe, and feels like something you genuinely want to do. It should not be something you pressure yourself into.

Sex Should Not Be About Obligation

It should not be, “Let me have sex with my partner because I’ve cheated and now I have to give my partner sex,” or, “Let me have sex with my partner because maybe they were sexually starved before and that is why they cheated on me.” No, no, no. It should not be pressure.

Healing Starts Outside the Bedroom

It has to be something rebuilt over time, and rebuilt slowly. It starts outside the bedroom. Rebuild emotionally first. There is emotional connection and there is physical connection, and both matter.

Finding Your Way Back to Lovemaking

You rebuild until both parties are willing to, as I always say, make love — slowly getting back into sexual intimacy.