When It Feels Like Desire Has Disappeared in Your Marriage

Do you sometimes feel that you no longer have desire for your spouse, or that your spouse no longer has desire for you? Or perhaps both of you feel as though desire has faded? I’ve been in that position too. There were times when I had to stop and ask myself, “What is happening? What has keyed us back in this marriage? Why does it feel as though my desire for my wife has disappeared? Why does she no longer look sexy or attractive to me?”

Over time, I realised something important: desire doesn’t actually die. It’s not that the desire you have for your spouse disappears; it’s that life happens. The circumstances of life can bury desire. Life becomes serious, demanding, heavy — and when all of that pressure builds, your body naturally shuts down your sexual energy. Why? Because your body wants to use that romantic and sexual energy to cope with everything else going on.

So whenever I feel desire slipping, I ask myself certain questions, and I want you to ask yourself the same. What is it that has keyed us back? What exactly is happening? What I’ve come to understand is that most times, it’s not one huge thing. It’s usually a combination of small things: stress here, exhaustion there, routines that kill excitement, emotional distance, unresolved arguments. Maybe there’s a new baby in the home, a new person living with you, more responsibilities, more noise.

It could even be changes in your own body. And yes, we must not ignore spiritual and psychological pressures. These things can easily bury your desire and make you feel less sexual or less romantic.

When people tell me, “I don’t feel anything anymore,” I always check one thing first: their stress levels. I remember working with someone who believed she was no longer attracted to her husband. Once we explored further, it turned out her husband had nothing to do with it. It was simply the overwhelming stress she was facing at work.

So that’s my answer: desire rarely dies. It just gets buried — and with understanding, connection, and less pressure, it can rise again.