Does desire always have to feel spontaneous ?

Absolutely not. I often tell my clients a very simple formula: have sex often.

All Kinds of Sex Create Experience

Have sad sex, bad sex, angry sex, and the kind of sex where you think, I really don’t want to do this. Have happy sex, exciting sex, and novel sex. Try every kind of thing. What happens is that because you play the game often, you develop a certain level of expertise with your own body and your partner’s body. This gives you far more memories to draw from than if you rarely engage.

A Numbers Game for More Desire

If you approach it as a numbers game, you increase your chances of having more days with orgasm, more days with excitement, and more days with desire. You also create more reasons to think about your partner. For example, if they travel, you might think, We would have had sex now because we’re happy about something, or We usually would have been intimate at this time. That consistency means you think about them in that light, and because of that, you tend to feel desire.

Why Memories Matter

There is a lot of memory to work with. The same way bad memories keep us from doing certain things, good memories can pull us back into experiences. If we don’t create sexual memories often, we simply don’t have much to return to as fuel for days when we’re not in the zone, when we don’t have capacity, or when life isn’t going the way it should.

Desire Is Not Always Spontaneous

Desire does not always arrive spontaneously, especially if you want desire that lasts long-term. Consistency and the creation of shared experiences build a reservoir you can draw from when spontaneity isn’t there.