How do I stop comparing myself to the affair?

Comparing Yourself with a Partner’s Ex or Affair Partner

This part is not only about infidelity or when people cheat; it is also about when people have exes. We usually find ourselves comparing who we are with the person our partner has been with before. We want to ask things like: was your ex as romantic as I am, did your ex perform better, was your ex bigger, was your ex tighter, what was it? Was there something your ex did better than me? Is there something I do better than your ex?

It is common for people to ask, especially during infidelity recovery when they are trying to heal, how they can stop comparing themselves with the affair partner—the person their partner cheated with. You may want to ask yourself whether this person was better looking, smarter, more connected, or if they had things you did not have, and you start comparing.

Why Comparison Happens

If you know that person, you may even begin to see things you believe they are better at, as well as things you believe you are better at. So the question becomes: how do you actually stop comparing yourself to the affair partner?

It is important to remember that this comparison does not come from a place of truth. It comes from a place of insecurity. You should remind yourself that your partner did not cheat because this person is actually better, but because they were, in some way, available.

Availability Versus Value

It could simply be that the person was available at the time when your partner was emotionally vulnerable, weak, sexually vulnerable, or when there was conflict or disconnection in your relationship. If you always remember that your value was not lost because your partner made a bad choice, you can gradually regain your confidence.

You can rebuild your confidence because you will not be reconnecting through your wounds or competing with the person your partner had an affair with. You can stop comparing yourself.

Reclaiming Perspective

I do understand that you are comparing yourself right now, but you must come to the awareness that it was not necessarily because this person was better. It was simply that they were available at a weak moment in your relationship or in your partner’s life.

I think that would be one of the best ways to see it.