How long is too long without intimacy?

My wife and I were recently having a conversation in bed, and she asked me a question that caught my attention. She said, “Do you think the two of us, without any health complications or reasons, can stay away from sex for three months?” I said, “Well, yes, we can.” She looked at me and started laughing. I was wondering why she did so.

I soon realised that her laughter came from her belief that, as she put it, she knows the husband she married. In her words, I “cannot do without sex for that long” with her sleeping beside me in the same bed. So I asked her if she thought she could do the same. She said no, she could not.

People often ask us how long is too long without sex, or how long a couple can go without intimacy. I do not have a specific timeline to give, because there is no universal number. Is there actually a universal number? I doubt it.

When Is the Gap ‘Too Long’?

This is how I explain it: once the time lapse between the last sexual encounter and the next creates emotional tension, loneliness, or resentment, then it is too long. Once the gap starts to hurt the relationship, or hurts one or both partners, it has become too long.So it is really your relationship that determines how long is too long for the two of you.

General Guidance

I often suggest that couples should try to have sex at least once a week, or at the very least once every two weeks. However, there are couples who, because of the nature of their jobs or lifestyles, can go longer and still remain fairly fine.

The truth is that if the gap is causing tension, loneliness, disconnection, or resentment, you must find a way to bridge it. You need to pay attention and ask yourself—and your partner—how long a gap each of you can comfortably handle.

Setting a Standard Together

Ask each other: “What’s the longest you can take, and what’s the longest I can take?” Then experiment a little, so you can set a standard that works for both of you. This helps ensure that neither partner nor the marriage is pushed into unnecessary stress, loneliness, disconnection, or resentment.