How do I say stop without feeling ashamed?

Speaking up in bed-Ask Liza express Answers

tolusefrancis

How do I say stop without feeling ashamed?

Your difficulty saying “stop” comes from old wounds where your boundaries were ignored, punished, or overridden. When you try to speak today, your body remembers those moments and freezes. It’s not lack of courage—it’s trauma physiology.

Shame appears because you’ve been conditioned to believe protecting yourself is an inconvenience. You fear disappointing your partner, disrupting intimacy, or appearing “difficult.” But in healthy intimacy, your voice is not a disruption—it is the foundation.

Start by practicing small statements outside of sexual moments:

“I need to go slower.”

“Can we pause?”

“I need a break.”

These microboundaries build confidence. Also choose partners who respond with respect, not frustration. Emotional safety is what gives your voice strength.

Your “stop” is not a rejection—it’s information. And anyone worthy of your body will value that information.

Shame dissolves when safety grows.

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tolusefrancis Toluse Francis is a renowned mental health therapist, certified life coach, trainer, and consultant dedicated to promoting emotional well-being and resilience. Therapy and Coaching Expertise Approach: He uses evidence-based techniques from behavioral sciences, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). Specialties: His areas of expertise include: Anxiety and Depression Trauma, Grief, and Loss Relationship Issues Habits and Addiction Workplace Mental Health Focus: He is committed to helping individuals move past negative experiences, overcome poor mental health, and focus on their future with enthusiasm. Professional Roles and Advocacy Founder: He is the principal and CEO of Reuel Consulting Ltd, a firm specializing in helping organizations and individuals move toward measurable mental health action. Leadership: He has served as the African Regional Vice President and a Board Director for the World Federation for Mental Health (WFMH), overseeing activities in the African region. Public Profile: He is a sought-after writer, public speaker, and media contributor on mental health, personal growth, and emotional intelligence, working to break mental health stigmas. Toluse Francis holds a B.Sc. in Biochemistry and a Diploma in Mental Health and Psychology. He has over 7 years of experience in the field, with sessions typically conducted online.