How can I talk about not wanting sex without guilt?

Who is making you feel guilty?

Is it you, or is it your partner? If your partner is the one making you feel guilty, have you walked them through why? Is there a reason? Are you tired?

Understanding your “why”.

If you’re tired, the question becomes: when are you not tired? If you’re tired on a Monday, would you be available on a Tuesday? Because you can be tired on Monday, tired on Tuesday, tired on Wednesday and tired on Thursday, and then say to your partner, “Oh, it’s not a big deal.” It is a big deal. You have sexually starved them for three additional days.

Communicating clearly and offering alternatives.

Figure out why you don’t want sex, and communicate why you don’t want it. But you also have to give a substitute feedback to, “I don’t want it now because…, and then I will…”. So you’re saying, “I can’t do this now, but I can do this other thing now.” Or, “I can’t do this now, but I can afford to do it early in the morning.” Or, “I can afford to do it later tomorrow night or tomorrow afternoon.”

Giving them something to look forward to.

You have to give them something to hope for. If there’s nothing to hope for, then they mentally switch off. If they mentally switch off, you can’t be upset the day you then come and they’re no longer in the mood, because they’ve learnt how to do life without you in it.

Identifying the source of guilt.

So that said, who is making you feel guilty? Is it you, or is it your partner? Because if it is your partner, the question becomes: have you communicated with them to the degree that they understand, in the language that they understand?

When the guilt is coming from within.

However, if you’re the one making yourself feel guilty, the question becomes: why do you feel guilty? Do you feel guilty because you think it makes you a bad person? If yes, where did that belief come from?

Addressing the root cause.

The problem is not even the guilt as much as it is the source of the guilt. If we don’t cut off the source, then even if we comfort you and make you feel good right now, you’re still going to return to something else that will make you feel guilty.

When guilt is a recurring pattern.

So if you are constantly guilty, check other areas of your life. If you do experience persistent guilt, I would recommend that you sit with a therapist and figure out why guilt is an emotion that comes to the forefront for you.