Healing Sexual Confidence: Understanding Why You Don’t Feel ‘Broken’

Feeling “broken” in your sex life often has little to do with your body, and everything to do with who you share intimacy with. If the person you are sexually active with looks at you like you are a problem or treats you as though something is fundamentally wrong with you, no amount of reassurance from anyone else will bring comfort.

This sense of brokenness also grows when you are already highly critical of yourself. Many people internalise harsh voices from their past—parents, authority figures, past partners—and begin to judge themselves in the same way. When your internal dialogue is self-derogatory, it is only natural to feel like something is wrong with you.

The truth is this: the feeling is not about your sexual response. It is a reflection of your broader emotional world. If you failed at work, lost money in business, or went through any other difficult situation, that same “I am broken” response would appear. It is a pattern, not a flaw.

Once you begin to address the root of that internal dialogue—where the criticism comes from and why you talk to yourself that way—you naturally become more grounded and less reactive. This emotional stability improves how you handle moments when your body does not immediately respond sexually.

How Can I Improve My Sexual Response?

When it comes to lubrication specifically, start by paying more attention to your body. Communicate openly with your partner about what you need, what feels good, and where you need more patience or softness.

Extending your foreplay time can make a significant difference. If your foreplay usually lasts around 30 minutes, increase it to an hour. You are not rushing; you are easing into intimacy at a pace that feels safe for your body.

Shared experiences also help. Couple sessions, retreats, playful activities, and environments that allow you to laugh, relax, and open up all support your sexual connection. My formula is simple: if you play, you will flirt; if you flirt, you will touch; if you touch, you will naturally move into foreplay and, eventually, sex.

Why Feeling Safe Matters

You cannot truly play, flirt, or enjoy intimacy in an environment where you feel judged or considered broken. Safety is the foundation of sexual connection. Without it, your body cannot relax enough to respond the way you want it to.

When judgement is removed and safety is restored, the body often follows. Healing begins not with blaming yourself but with choosing environments—and partners—where you feel accepted, supported, and understood.